Two-time former Miami Heat coach Pat Riley announced today that he won’t be back as Heat head coach next year, because, as one ESPN.com commenter put it, “When the going gets tough, Pat Riley quits.” A few years back, the Heat were underachieving, so Pat decided to get hip surgery, handed the team over to Stan Van Gundy, and then when they started playing better, came back, took the team from Van Gundy, and won a title with them, taking full credit for the job. Class act, Pat Riley. Of course, this year the Miami Heat would not have won the NBDL title, so Pat Riley decided he didn’t have anything more to teach and quit on the Heat. I despise Pat Riley.

I was going to do a full grade out the first round of the NFL Draft today, but I’m very tired and very spacey today (not the Kevin variety) and don’t really want to write a 1,500 word post. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t have some draft comments:

1.) The Kansas City Chiefs somehow got the two players they valued most in the first round (DT Glenn Dorsey and OT/OG Brandon Albert). They also signed undrafted free agent QB Ricky Santos, so they’re obviously making the playoffs in the 2008-09 season.

2.) The Atlanta Falcons, who were previously enamored with Dorsey, decided instead to handcuff their franchise for a few years by reaching for OT Sam Baker in the middle of Round 1 and drafting QB Matt Ryan with the 3rd overall pick. I’ve made it very apparent before, but Matt Ryan’s best characteristic as a quarterback is that he’s built like a quarterback, which is foolish. Ryan did not play with top notch talent in Chestnut Hill, but he also personally choked in his only primetime National TV performance, at home, against an underachieving Florida State team. So there’s that.

3.) The Carolina Panthers had the single worst pick of the first round however, but we’ll discuss that nonsense tomorrow.

Switching gears to baseball, these are the teams that are currently leading their respective divisions (ties go to the more unexpected team):

Baltimore Orioles
Chicago White Sox
LA Angels
Florida Marlins
Chicago Cubs
Arizona Diamondbacks

Our current wild card teams are the St. Louis Cardinals and the Oakland Atheltics. These would be the playoff matchups today (with the Tampa Bay Rays just missing out):

Los Angeles vs. Baltimore
Chicago vs. Oakland

Arizona vs. St. Louis
Chicago vs. Florida

I do this only for reference sake in 5 months when very few of these teams are in the hunt for the playoffs. I expect only the Cubs, Diamondbacks, and Angels to be a factor in September, but if I had to pick one other team, from this group of 8, I’m just saying, look out for the Florida Marlins.

Perhaps someone should introduce Roger Clemens to Miley Cyrus. Or perhaps, not, based on Roger’s apparent interest in younger ladies. If you don’t get the joke, in short, Roger allegedly had a sexual relationship with a 15 year old country start when he was in his mid-20’s with the Red Sox. Don’t worry though, Rusty Hardin said nothing sexual happened. And really, if anyone was to know that, Rusty Hardin would. I’m voting for Roger Clemens to be voted off the island. Which is to say that I want someone to smash him upside the head with a snow shovel.

I’m going to cut today short. I’m hoping that I get some much needed sleep tonight so that I can be back tomorrow with a real post for you all, the loyal readers. Before I go though…

Game O’ The Day: Boston Celtics @ Atlanta Hawks. It’s not even close to an actual must win game for the Celtics and I’m almost certain that they’ll win tonight. However, there’s one thing you don’t want to give a young team in the playoffs: Hope. If the Hawks win tonight, they’ll have lots of that. I’m just saying, I’m a little nervous for the C’s.

Also tonight, the Magic will close out the Raptors and the Lakers will put the final bullet into the proverbial skulls of the Denver Nuggets, whose head coach will be fired before the end of the week.

Back tomorrow, minions.