A wise man once said, “You don’t win friends with salad.” And while there’s often nothing I want more than a large bowl of spinach, kale, tofu, and raw beets, I acknowledge that it’s cheeseburgers and Yuengling that most people want. And that’s okay. I’ll certainly never turn down a good cheeseburger (I will, however, consistently turn down Yuengling). But I’m telling you, that salad can be just as delicious. Sometimes more. If you just try a good one once.
Most Americans view soccer as a salad. It’s got “weird things in it.” “What is that, quinoa (pronounced “kwin-oh-ah”)?” “Aren’t you supposed to cook that spinach?” “Why can’t I have a 1:1 ratio of greens: fried chicken?”
Really, I think they’re going about their salads all wrong. Unless you live in a major metropolitan city, you probably don’t have access to designer salad restaurants or Whole Foods’ excellent salad bar. So, instead, you’re eating iceberg lettuce, shredded carrot, and maybe a piece of radicchio and you’re drowning it in Wishbone Zesty Italian. That might be salad where you live, but it ain’t in my household.
Major League Soccer is that salad.
I would venture to guess that a preponderance of people in our country think that, outside of the World Cup, their only access to soccer is through watching that team from Kansas City play that team from Toronto on that television network that used to show deers getting shot. Ten years ago, that was true.
Today, however, it’s not. And this year, I’ve made salads a regular part of my weekend mornings. And I’ve never felt better. And now I’m trying to make friends by inviting them to try a salad. Just once.
The English Premier League has only existed for 20 years. It’s predecessor, though, was around for more than a century prior. The teams in the EPL, in many cases, possess long, rich histories. But we’re not here to talk about the past.
For my money, there’s no more exciting competition in sports right now than the EPL. I had watched games when ESPN2 was so kind as to air them once a month, without warning, on a Wednesday afternoon. And it looked great. I wanted to become a follower, but it’s often difficult to follow a sport when you can’t actually watch it.
Then I got Fox Soccer in HD. And my world changed.
Fox Soccer airs every EPL game. The less important games (your Cincinnati Bengals v. Tennessee Titans, for reference sake) got aired on Saturday afternoon via tape delay. The big games get the live treatment. With pre-match (they’re not called “games”) coverage. These games are your Dallas Cowboys v. Pittsburgh Steelers games. Your New England Patriots v. New York Jets. The big ones. The ones with the stars.
I’m not suggesting you sit down and watch two lower-tier EPL teams on tape delay at 6 p.m. on a Saturday to gauge whether or not you like soccer. I’m less likely to win you over. I’m telling you that you need to tune in for the live games. The big ones. Treat them as your gateway into even fancier salads.
The EPL is comprised of 20 teams. The teams do not compete for playoff positioning. There is no playoffs. No conferences. No divisions (It’s kind of how I’d like Major League Baseball to look. You know, so that teams like the Detroit Tigers wouldn’t make it to the postseason, providing elderly newspaper readers with an additional Miguel Cabrera MVP narrative).
These 20 teams compete for two things:
1.) The Barclays (English) Premier League crown. The ultimate of bragging rights in England, the birthplace of soccer. In American sports, we, for some reason, think that it makes sense to have teams play 162 games to qualify for a Best-of-5 series. We’ve convinced ourselves that only the best teams can come out of brief, variable-laden tournaments. March Madness is the greatest example of this. College basketball teams play a 5 month schedule to be one of 68 teams to qualify for a single-elimination tournament, played on neutral courts. We think this is how you determine the “best team?”
Well, it’s not. You determine the best team by giving everyone the same odds (balanced schedule, home and away against every possible opponent) and seeing where the chips fall. It leaves no room for ridiculous arguments like, “Our team came on strong, late, so we are the best team.” In the Premier League, game 1 matters just as much as game 38. I find that important. I find that fair.
2.) Qualification into the UEFA (Union of European Football Associations) Champions League tournament. Every year. UEFA stages a tournament pitting all of the best European club football teams against each other. To qualify from the EPL, you need to finish in the Top 4 of the league. From there, you’ll compete against the best club teams from Germany, France, Italy, Ireland, Portugal, Spain, Russia, and others.
I often found the distinction between the Premier League and the Champions League confusing. We have nothing like this in American sports. Champions League games are played during the same time as Premier League games. A Premier League team can play a Saturday EPL game, a midweek Champions League game, and then, on the following Saturday, back to the EPL.
There’s one other thing that EPL teams are competing for (or perhaps against). The 3 teams who finish at the bottom of the EPL are relegated to a lower division/league. The three teams who finish at the top of that division are promoted to the EPL. In short, there’s no benefit for being complacent. There’s no benefit to being Jeffrey Loria. Your team loses, you lose. And believe me when I tell you that the lower-tier matches at the end of the season are as nerve wracking as sports can be, as teams are literally fighting for their lives.
So why should you watch? Well, for one, you have nothing better to do. No, really, you don’t. There’s nothing better for you to do on a Saturday morning at 8:30 than watch 90 minutes of soccer. The time commitment is always a guarantee. You’re going to devote exactly 1 hour and 45 minutes (+5-7 minutes in some cases, because of injuries) total to watching a match. No 3 ½ hour marathon. No need to get a snack.
Other reasons you should watch:
Fans: One of the great idiot debates in professional sports is who has the “best fans,” as though paying large sums of money and clapping should be its own sport.
That aside, rest assured that if American football fans competed against English football fans, they’d lose. They’d lose in preseason. They’d lose in the regular season. They’d lose in the playoffs. Our fans have a very hard time staying loud. I’ve been to my fair share of New England Patriots games. Gillette Stadium is very loud at kickoff. It’s loud during the first opposing team drive. And then, it gets quiet. By the start of the third quarter, it’s a suitable place to hold a wake for an unpopular person. The seats are ¼ empty as everyone is milling about the concourses. Everyone sits on their hands, looks at the clock, and patiently awaits the next moment that ACDC’s “Thunderstruck” will play to ignite their passion.
Do yourself the great favor of watching Liverpool play a home match. Listen to the fans sing “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” There’s no need for scoreboard signs or fluffy mascots to read “Cheer.” The Liverpool supporters cheer on their own. And they do so loudly.
Announcers: Troy Aikman doesn’t call EPL games. That should be reason enough to watch. A better reason though may be the poetic manner in which the play-by-play announcers describe the game. There’s lots of intended hyperbole. The announcers get excited too. Because, believe it or not, exciting things happen in soccer matches (more on this in a second). The best in the business, that I’ve heard, are Martin Tyler and Steve McManaman on ESPN’s broadcasts. Their chemistry is outstanding. Oh, and they have British accents. Eminently listenable.
The Reasons Why You Don’t Want To Watch Soccer
You Say: “It’s boring.”
I Say: “You’re the problem. Not the soccer. I’ve never understood what people find boring about soccer because no one has adequately described to me why it’s boring. Maybe you can? Is it because it’s not “an American sport?” Is it kind of like hockey? Is it because Americans aren’t really good at soccer? This is jingoism, isn’t it? Because, guess what? American football is “boring” too. Don’t get me wrong, I love American football. But you willingly spend 3 ½ hours watching 1 ½ hours of penis commercials. Do you know how much action there is in a football game? Less than 15 minutes. Do you know how much action there is in a soccer match? 90. Sustained. Minutes. Okay, there’s a 10 minute break in the middle for halftime. But let’s be real here.
You Say: “The games are so low scoring”
I Say: “Last week, Arsenal beat Tottenham 5-2. If I wanted to apply arbitrary numbers to that, I could say that Arsenal won 35-14. Would that sound more exciting to you? Is this about numbers? Because the 49ers beat the Bears on Monday NIght Football 5-1. Sounds less exciting doesn’t it?”
You Say: “It’s so British.”
I Say: “They eat french fries too. They just call them chips.”
You Say: “I have no one to root for.”
I Say: “I had that problem too. I still kind of do. I like Manchester City, but they’re the defending champions and I don’t want to be a front-runner. I like Tottenham Hotspur, but they’re the trendy team that American like. I like Newcastle United, but they’re not very good either historically or now. I dislike Manchester United because they’re a less-likeable version of the New York Yankees. I dislike Chelsea because John Terry plays for them and he’s a terrible racist . I dislike Liverpool, but that’s mainly because of their weasley striker Luis Suarez. But this isn’t about me. You’ll watch a match and decide who you like. Different teams play different styles. Some you’ll like. Others you won’t. You’ll really like certain players. You’ll detest others. In this respect, the EPL is just like any sports league.
You Say: “I don’t understand the game.”
I Say: “There is no sport easier to understand than soccer. Remember, you learned how American football is played. 11 men line up with their hands on the ground, facing 11 other men, one guy puts his hands under the crotch of another man, has a ball handed to him, then he either runs with it, hands it to someone else to run with it, or throws it to someone to run with it. Rinse and repeat 125 times. In soccer, 10 players kick a ball artfully back and forth, trying to get through 10 other players, with the goal of putting the ball past a goalie (who, yes, can use his hands) into a net. And that’s really it.
You Say: “Offsides?”
I Say: “As an offensive player, you cannot be behind the last defensive player on the field unless you are even with or behind the soccer ball. It’s much easier to understand than hockey’s offside rule. Or football’s frankly.”
Okay, so you’re ready to watch a game right? Good. My suggestion to you is to start this Sunday by watching Chelsea host Manchester City at 11 a.m. on Fox Soccer. Man City leads the Premiership right now with Chelsea four points back, in 3rd. If you don’t get Fox Soccer, I feel sorry for you. It’s part of Comcast’s Sports and Entertainment Package. It costs $6.95 a month. If you like sports and you don’t get this, I’m slightly confused. You get NFL RedZone, NBA TV, MLB Network, ESPNU, CBS Sports, etc. Really, it’s great. Best $6.95 I spend. Heck, I’ll even have you over to watch if you really want to. Unless you’re one of those spambots from the comments section. I have no interest in your webcam.
Still need more convincing? That’s why there’s a comments section. Comment away. I’d love to have a dialogue about this. Soccer isn’t going away. It’s only going to get more popular. The EPL is one of the reasons why.
If I was a good writer, this is where I would draw it all back to my salad analogy. But I’m not. So just watch some English Premier League football, won’t you?
Most Americans view soccer as a salad. It’s got “weird things in it.” “What is that, quinoa (pronounced “kwin-oh-ah”)?” “Aren’t you supposed to cook that spinach?” “Why can’t I have a 1:1 ratio of greens: fried chicken?”
Really, I think they’re going about their salads all wrong. Unless you live in a major metropolitan city, you probably don’t have access to designer salad restaurants or Whole Foods’ excellent salad bar. So, instead, you’re eating iceberg lettuce, shredded carrot, and maybe a piece of radicchio and you’re drowning it in Wishbone Zesty Italian. That might be salad where you live, but it ain’t in my household.
Major League Soccer is that salad.
I would venture to guess that a preponderance of people in our country think that, outside of the World Cup, their only access to soccer is through watching that team from Kansas City play that team from Toronto on that television network that used to show deers getting shot. Ten years ago, that was true.
Today, however, it’s not. And this year, I’ve made salads a regular part of my weekend mornings. And I’ve never felt better. And now I’m trying to make friends by inviting them to try a salad. Just once.
The English Premier League has only existed for 20 years. It’s predecessor, though, was around for more than a century prior. The teams in the EPL, in many cases, possess long, rich histories. But we’re not here to talk about the past.
For my money, there’s no more exciting competition in sports right now than the EPL. I had watched games when ESPN2 was so kind as to air them once a month, without warning, on a Wednesday afternoon. And it looked great. I wanted to become a follower, but it’s often difficult to follow a sport when you can’t actually watch it.
Then I got Fox Soccer in HD. And my world changed.
Fox Soccer airs every EPL game. The less important games (your Cincinnati Bengals v. Tennessee Titans, for reference sake) got aired on Saturday afternoon via tape delay. The big games get the live treatment. With pre-match (they’re not called “games”) coverage. These games are your Dallas Cowboys v. Pittsburgh Steelers games. Your New England Patriots v. New York Jets. The big ones. The ones with the stars.
I’m not suggesting you sit down and watch two lower-tier EPL teams on tape delay at 6 p.m. on a Saturday to gauge whether or not you like soccer. I’m less likely to win you over. I’m telling you that you need to tune in for the live games. The big ones. Treat them as your gateway into even fancier salads.
The EPL is comprised of 20 teams. The teams do not compete for playoff positioning. There is no playoffs. No conferences. No divisions (It’s kind of how I’d like Major League Baseball to look. You know, so that teams like the Detroit Tigers wouldn’t make it to the postseason, providing elderly newspaper readers with an additional Miguel Cabrera MVP narrative).
These 20 teams compete for two things:
1.) The Barclays (English) Premier League crown. The ultimate of bragging rights in England, the birthplace of soccer. In American sports, we, for some reason, think that it makes sense to have teams play 162 games to qualify for a Best-of-5 series. We’ve convinced ourselves that only the best teams can come out of brief, variable-laden tournaments. March Madness is the greatest example of this. College basketball teams play a 5 month schedule to be one of 68 teams to qualify for a single-elimination tournament, played on neutral courts. We think this is how you determine the “best team?”
Well, it’s not. You determine the best team by giving everyone the same odds (balanced schedule, home and away against every possible opponent) and seeing where the chips fall. It leaves no room for ridiculous arguments like, “Our team came on strong, late, so we are the best team.” In the Premier League, game 1 matters just as much as game 38. I find that important. I find that fair.
2.) Qualification into the UEFA (Union of European Football Associations) Champions League tournament. Every year. UEFA stages a tournament pitting all of the best European club football teams against each other. To qualify from the EPL, you need to finish in the Top 4 of the league. From there, you’ll compete against the best club teams from Germany, France, Italy, Ireland, Portugal, Spain, Russia, and others.
I often found the distinction between the Premier League and the Champions League confusing. We have nothing like this in American sports. Champions League games are played during the same time as Premier League games. A Premier League team can play a Saturday EPL game, a midweek Champions League game, and then, on the following Saturday, back to the EPL.
There’s one other thing that EPL teams are competing for (or perhaps against). The 3 teams who finish at the bottom of the EPL are relegated to a lower division/league. The three teams who finish at the top of that division are promoted to the EPL. In short, there’s no benefit for being complacent. There’s no benefit to being Jeffrey Loria. Your team loses, you lose. And believe me when I tell you that the lower-tier matches at the end of the season are as nerve wracking as sports can be, as teams are literally fighting for their lives.
So why should you watch? Well, for one, you have nothing better to do. No, really, you don’t. There’s nothing better for you to do on a Saturday morning at 8:30 than watch 90 minutes of soccer. The time commitment is always a guarantee. You’re going to devote exactly 1 hour and 45 minutes (+5-7 minutes in some cases, because of injuries) total to watching a match. No 3 ½ hour marathon. No need to get a snack.
Other reasons you should watch:
Fans: One of the great idiot debates in professional sports is who has the “best fans,” as though paying large sums of money and clapping should be its own sport.
That aside, rest assured that if American football fans competed against English football fans, they’d lose. They’d lose in preseason. They’d lose in the regular season. They’d lose in the playoffs. Our fans have a very hard time staying loud. I’ve been to my fair share of New England Patriots games. Gillette Stadium is very loud at kickoff. It’s loud during the first opposing team drive. And then, it gets quiet. By the start of the third quarter, it’s a suitable place to hold a wake for an unpopular person. The seats are ¼ empty as everyone is milling about the concourses. Everyone sits on their hands, looks at the clock, and patiently awaits the next moment that ACDC’s “Thunderstruck” will play to ignite their passion.
Do yourself the great favor of watching Liverpool play a home match. Listen to the fans sing “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” There’s no need for scoreboard signs or fluffy mascots to read “Cheer.” The Liverpool supporters cheer on their own. And they do so loudly.
Announcers: Troy Aikman doesn’t call EPL games. That should be reason enough to watch. A better reason though may be the poetic manner in which the play-by-play announcers describe the game. There’s lots of intended hyperbole. The announcers get excited too. Because, believe it or not, exciting things happen in soccer matches (more on this in a second). The best in the business, that I’ve heard, are Martin Tyler and Steve McManaman on ESPN’s broadcasts. Their chemistry is outstanding. Oh, and they have British accents. Eminently listenable.
The Reasons Why You Don’t Want To Watch Soccer
You Say: “It’s boring.”
I Say: “You’re the problem. Not the soccer. I’ve never understood what people find boring about soccer because no one has adequately described to me why it’s boring. Maybe you can? Is it because it’s not “an American sport?” Is it kind of like hockey? Is it because Americans aren’t really good at soccer? This is jingoism, isn’t it? Because, guess what? American football is “boring” too. Don’t get me wrong, I love American football. But you willingly spend 3 ½ hours watching 1 ½ hours of penis commercials. Do you know how much action there is in a football game? Less than 15 minutes. Do you know how much action there is in a soccer match? 90. Sustained. Minutes. Okay, there’s a 10 minute break in the middle for halftime. But let’s be real here.
You Say: “The games are so low scoring”
I Say: “Last week, Arsenal beat Tottenham 5-2. If I wanted to apply arbitrary numbers to that, I could say that Arsenal won 35-14. Would that sound more exciting to you? Is this about numbers? Because the 49ers beat the Bears on Monday NIght Football 5-1. Sounds less exciting doesn’t it?”
You Say: “It’s so British.”
I Say: “They eat french fries too. They just call them chips.”
You Say: “I have no one to root for.”
I Say: “I had that problem too. I still kind of do. I like Manchester City, but they’re the defending champions and I don’t want to be a front-runner. I like Tottenham Hotspur, but they’re the trendy team that American like. I like Newcastle United, but they’re not very good either historically or now. I dislike Manchester United because they’re a less-likeable version of the New York Yankees. I dislike Chelsea because John Terry plays for them and he’s a terrible racist . I dislike Liverpool, but that’s mainly because of their weasley striker Luis Suarez. But this isn’t about me. You’ll watch a match and decide who you like. Different teams play different styles. Some you’ll like. Others you won’t. You’ll really like certain players. You’ll detest others. In this respect, the EPL is just like any sports league.
You Say: “I don’t understand the game.”
I Say: “There is no sport easier to understand than soccer. Remember, you learned how American football is played. 11 men line up with their hands on the ground, facing 11 other men, one guy puts his hands under the crotch of another man, has a ball handed to him, then he either runs with it, hands it to someone else to run with it, or throws it to someone to run with it. Rinse and repeat 125 times. In soccer, 10 players kick a ball artfully back and forth, trying to get through 10 other players, with the goal of putting the ball past a goalie (who, yes, can use his hands) into a net. And that’s really it.
You Say: “Offsides?”
I Say: “As an offensive player, you cannot be behind the last defensive player on the field unless you are even with or behind the soccer ball. It’s much easier to understand than hockey’s offside rule. Or football’s frankly.”
Okay, so you’re ready to watch a game right? Good. My suggestion to you is to start this Sunday by watching Chelsea host Manchester City at 11 a.m. on Fox Soccer. Man City leads the Premiership right now with Chelsea four points back, in 3rd. If you don’t get Fox Soccer, I feel sorry for you. It’s part of Comcast’s Sports and Entertainment Package. It costs $6.95 a month. If you like sports and you don’t get this, I’m slightly confused. You get NFL RedZone, NBA TV, MLB Network, ESPNU, CBS Sports, etc. Really, it’s great. Best $6.95 I spend. Heck, I’ll even have you over to watch if you really want to. Unless you’re one of those spambots from the comments section. I have no interest in your webcam.
Still need more convincing? That’s why there’s a comments section. Comment away. I’d love to have a dialogue about this. Soccer isn’t going away. It’s only going to get more popular. The EPL is one of the reasons why.
If I was a good writer, this is where I would draw it all back to my salad analogy. But I’m not. So just watch some English Premier League football, won’t you?
Mid-Atlantic Bias 