AL East
(aka Home To #1 and #4 Highest Payrolls In Baseball)

1. Boston Red Sox
The Red Sox have won the division every year I’ve lived New York City,
so it’s a foregone conclusion. Even without the presence of The Stud
Who Hits Bombs, the Red Sox will manage to win close to 100, if not
100 games this year. Manny’s reading The Secret, Youks isn’t making
errors, and (hopefully) no one will talk about cancer this year – the
perfect combination. Also, let’s not forget that Curt is going to come
back after the All Star Break and dominate so he can legitimize his $8
million.

2. New York Yankees
The Yankees have won the wildcard every year that I have lived in NYC.
I hope Joba gets attacked by bugs every game. Let’s face it, I hate
the Yankees.

3. Toronto Blue Jays
It’s just where they belong in life.

4. Tampa Bay Rays
I don’t like that they dropped the “Devil.” I feel bad for Kazmir and
think he should play for a better team.

5. Baltimore Orioles
Kevin Millar is still riding high on the 2004 World Series and
seriously sweating the balls of the Red Sox. The only reason I’ll pay
attention to the Orioles is for his color commentary – and hopefully a
guest spot rooting on the Red Sox during the World Series even though
he’s on a different team in the same division.

AL Central

1. Minnesota Twins
Joe Mauer will win the division on looks alone.

2. Detroit Tigers
I guess they’re supposed to be good, but I don’t pay any teams in the
“Central” divisions because I like to have the comfort that one of the
borders of the state I am living in is an ocean.

3. Chicago White Sox
OC!

4. Kansas City Royals
They’re not a really good team.

5. Cleveland Indians
They will have the worst record in baseball. That’s what teams that
don’t resign Trot Nixon deserve.

AL West
1. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I hate that they changed their name.

2. Seattle Mariners
I always think the Mariners are going to be good, but they’re usually
not very good.

3. Texas Rangers
I’m not a fan of Texas. Actually, Austin is nice.

4. Oakland A’s
I don’t like Moneyball.

NL East
(aka The Second of Two Divisions I Actually Pay Attention To)

1. New York Mets
With their acquisition, if they do not win, it will be a
disappointment. I’m going to miss the Real Jose Reyes. I hope he comes
back mid-season.

2. Philadelphia Phillies
I don’t like Philly much.

3. Atlanta Braves
I don’t like the fact that all of their games are nationally televised.

4. Washington Nationals
Lastings Milledge.

5. Florida Marlins
They just really suck.

NL Central
(aka Why Are There So Many Teams In This Division?)

1. Cincinnati Reds
Bronson Arroyo will win a Cy Young.

2. Chicago Cubs
I want to go to Wrigley Field someday.

3. Milwaukee Brewers
I like beer.

4. Houston Astros
This division is not very good.

5. St. Louis Cardinals
Eh.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates
I wonder if Justin Sane likes baseball.

NL West

1. LAD
I want to see the Derek Lowe Face in the playoffs again.

2. Colorado Rockies
I like Troy Tulowitzki.

3. Arizona Diamondbacks
Phoenix is a hot, hot, hot deserted fucking miserable place.

4. San Diego Padres
Maybe Josh Bard will be brought back to Boston escorted by state troopers.

5. San Francisco Giants
San Francisco’s calling us the Giants and Mets will play…

Playoffs:

AL

Boston over New York

NL

New York over Chicago

World Series

Boston over New York