Today is literally so slow that I couldn’t muster the strength to compose a joke title poking fun at the misfortune of others. There’s nothing I can make a list about. Here’s what I’ve got for you today:

-Roger Clemens has apparently also had a relationship with John Daley’s wife, which makes my head spin. So now we have a 15 year old aspiring country singer, his wife’s fake boobs, and the wife of a chain smoking, alcoholic, hack professional golfer all mixed up with perhaps the greatest pitcher since Walter Johnson. Yesterday, Tim Kurkjian of ESPN fame, was on the Tony Kornheiser Show and said, essentially, “Roger Clemens thinks that he is an American hero and can do no wrong.” Well, Roger, I’m sorry, but you’re not a hero. And you’ve done plenty of wrong. Now please, admit that you’re flawed like everybody else and go away.

-The Washington Wizards Without Gilbert Arenas > The Washington Wizards With Gilbert Arenas. The Wiz pulled off a big win in Cleveland (a wretched city) last night without their “star” in the lineup. Gilbert is out for the remainder of the season. His coach, Eddie Jordan, found that out by watching TV. Not from the trainer. Not from Gilbert or another player. Nope, he turned on the TV. My head continues to spin. So we can just keep on waving our hands in our faces along with the supremely untalented DeSean Stevenson all the way to tomorrow night at the Verizon Center. I really want the Wizards to go away.

-I’m very happy that I was wrong with my Game O’ The Day prediction. I said the C’s would win by 20. They won by 25. Ray Allen was fantastic last night in many forms. My favorite Ray moment was not one of his 5 3’s. It was, in fact, when he approached an angry lion in the form of Kevin Garnett, put his arm around his back, and calmed down an incensed Garnett (after he “got into it” with Joe Johnson). Great leadership by Ray. The kind of leadership we would never expect from Paul Pierce.

-I sometimes forget that Joe Johnson was a member of the Boston Celtics. He was traded in his rookie season with a first round pick and the immortal Randy Brown and Milt Palacio for Rodney Rogers and Tony Delk. That’s looking like a great trade, huh?

-I still want Doc to be fired.

-I have two ideas that I think will greatly improve the NBA’s and Major League Baseball’s all-star games. For MLB, invite Diamondbacks pitcher Micah Owings to participate in the Home Run Derby. For the NBA, and I love this idea, scrap the terrible skills competition that involved the WNBA, move up the 3-point contest and the dunk contest, and have an 8 man, single elimination 1-on-1 tournament. Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, Manu Ginobili, Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Gilbert Arenas, and Tracy McGrady in a one-on-one tournament. You don’t think that wouldn’t get people watching? The chance to see Kobe go up against Arenas (nevermind Wade and James) would be far more exciting than Dwight Howard putting on a Superman costume and beating Gerald Green in a dunk contest.

-Carmelo Anthony’s BAC was above the legal limit. His scoring average in the playoffs…was not.

-Troy Aikman and Lou Holtz will be inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame. No word on whether or not Holtz will be inducted into the Wads of Dripping Saliva Cascading Out of His Mouth Whenever He Speaks Hall of Fame.

Game O’ The Day: Detroit @ Philadelphia (NBA). I’m not at all excited about this game and will not watch it. But it’s going up against early May baseball (with no great pitching matchups…unless you’re excited about the return of Sidney Ponson) and two 3-0 hockey games. Detroit wins tonight by 17 and advances to face the Orlando Magic in Round 2.

I hope to be back tomorrow with something more expansive than this. Make sure your tanks are full before you leave the house, kids.