Rob Dibble is the worst color commentator in all of baseball. I would venture to guess that he’s the worst color commentator in any sport, on any level, in any media format.

For those of you who don’t know, Rob Dibble is the CC (from here on out “CC” equals “Color Commentator”) for the Washington Nationals, who you likely know as the worst team in baseball. Typically, combining the experience of watching a Nats game and listening to Dibble analyze a Nats game is similar to torture. Errors on the field. Errors in the booth. And yet, I torture myself pretty regularly.

On any given weeknight, you’ll find me in my man cave (living room) screaming at my TV, not because of a play the Nats made, but because of something Dibble said that was completely foolish, wrong, hyperbolic, homeristic, etc. And it doesn’t help that he’s joined by a pretty terrible play-by-play man in Bob Carpenter.

That brings us to this post, because the game is starting. Tonight, I will chronicle everything that Dibble says during tonight’s game, that I find objectionable on any level. Enjoy. I sure won’t.
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We’re live from Philadelphia for tonight’s game between the Nationals and the Phillies. Tonight’s pitching matchup would be marquee if the marquee was on the side of a strip club somewhere in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Kyle Kenrick (PHI) vs. Craig Stammen (WAS). This could be a long night. Dibble and Carpenter just set us up by telling us that Pudge Rodriguez is hitting the ball well for the Nats, as is Josh Willingham, but not Ryan Zimmerman, who is out of tonight’s lineup with a nagging hamstring injury. Not a bad start by either. I’m concerned that this could be a clean broadcast. Let’s hope not. Here goes absolutely nothing, folks: (this will not be a running diary, rather an accumulation of Dibble-isms, written in real time and not edited. All quotes will (probably sadly) be actual quotes.)

Top 1st
– On Kyle Kendrick: “He’s like Joe Blanton. But not as good as him. We’re gonna get some hits on him.”
– “Got’em”–Dibble notifying us that Nyjer Morgan was hit by a pitch that clearly hit him in the leg. Dibble has a habit of calling a game like a fan in the stands would comment to his friends.
– “With your 3, 4, 5 guys coming up, you’d like to have at least one of those guys on base.” –Dibble commenting after Willie Harris hits into a 4-6-3 double play. Oh, really? You want runners on base with your best hitters up.
-“We got a great chance here: Rollins is out (of the lineup), Werth is out.”–Dibble forgetting that the Nats are without Ryan Zimmerman tonight.
-Dibble just said JA Happ’s name with disgusted contempt for some reason.
-Dibble just called Joe Blanton a “meat and potatoes guy.” More like a “doughnuts and more doughnuts, please guy.”
-“C’mon Willy!”–Dibble yelling at Josh Willingham as he rounds third on a bases clearing, 3-run double for Adam Kennedy, which Dibble calls, “huge.”
-“This is when we’ve got to pour it on.”–Dibble is now a coach and not a CC. He analyzes nothing and just gives advice. Pudge grounds out to end this very long inning. I might not be able to do this all night.

Bottom 1st
-“Shane Victorino was bouncing around like (pauses, looking for end of simile) a kid on Christmas Day.”–In reference to Victorino not having a set spot in the batting order so far this season.
-Dibble just spent Shane Vicorino’s entire seven pitch at-bat talking about Ryan Howard and the changes to his hitting approach this season.
-“This guy’s something idn’t he?”–Dibble on Placido Polanco. That’s all he said when Polanco stepped to the plate. What the hell does that even mean?
-He just told us that you’ve got to bring your A-game against the Phillies. Hard-hitting analysis.
-Dibble just stated that “even a home run here, I’m only down a run. No big deal.” A home run here would be a no-out grand slam in the bottom of the first by Ryan Howard. Ask Joe Biden what kind of a deal that would be.
-He just compared pitching to hitting the green on your second shot in golf. (I have no idea.)
(Howard hits a two-run single)
-Dibble is concerned that Howard might steal second here, in the first inning, with no outs. He even points out that he was 7/8 last year stealing bases.
(Greg Dobbs hits an RBI-double. This is getting ugly. 3-3 game.)
-“This game is a long way from over. It’s a 1-0 game right now…” No, it’s not, Rob. It’s 4-3. 1 out. In the bottom of the first.
-Dibble just said that a pitcher should be licking his chops looking at the Phillies lineup. *shrug*
-“You’re in a street fight right now and you’ve just got to get to the bell here.” I don’t know how many street fights Dibble’s been in, but I don’t think there are bells.
(This inning mercifully ends. I think this post might do that soon too.)

Top 2nd
-“Atta boy.” Dibble talking over Bob Carpenter as Alberto Gonzalez leads off the inning with a double.
-He just used the pronoun “we.” I hate when he does that.
-He’s now advising Craig Stammen on how to bunt.
-He’s now advising Nyjer Morgan on how to hit.
-He just made some weird noises as Morgan lines the ball to left for a base hit, setting up 1st and 3rd with 1 out.
-“C’mon Willie.” Dibble cheering on Willie Harris.
-He just said “our.”
-He just said “our” again.
-He just sighed, “Man,” for no reason at all. None.
-Willie Harris’s nickname is “hot rod?”
-“C’mon Willie.” Again, cheering on Willie Harris. This is an epic half inning for Dibble. Vintage.
-He just said that Kendrick shouldn’t just be throwing his sinker down and away. He should be “moving it all around.” Yea, hang a sinker up in there.
(Bases loaded, 1 out. This game is horrible)
-“C’mon Nyjer” and “My Man!”–Dibble excited at Cristian Guzman’s two-run single. 5-4 Nats now.
(Side note: Bob Carpenter just called “infield fly rule” on a fly ball to the outfield)
-(laughing) “We’re not even through 1 1/2 innings and this game is an hour old.”–Truer words were never spoken.
-“(laughing. lots of laughing)”–Fan interference on a ground ball down the line is hilarious to Rob Dibble.
(Kyle Kendrick gets booed out of the park after 1 2/3 innings of garbage.)
(Dibble says not a word as Nelson Figueroa gets Adam Kennedy to ground out to end the top of the inning.)

And that’ll be all folks. 1 hour for an inning and a half. I’m going to quit while I’m behind. Please ignore the errors above (by me) and enjoy the errors by Dibble.