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Dispatches From America: Day 5

/ Jason / Leave a comment

Good people, good food, and good (exceptional) views can cure a lot of homesickness and loneliness. 

I just got back from dinner with the wonderful Brian and Ali Spittler. Brian interned in my office years ago and I instantly took a liking to him. Perhaps it’s my fondness for smart, well-dressed, genuine, and engaging people. I would come to find out that the same description applies to his wife Ali. They’re great. 
I purposely drove off course because I wanted to see them, not really anticipating just how much I would need to see familiar faces. We dined in a restaurant nestled well above Salt Lake City, in a ski area, with stunning mountain views around us. Oh, and the food was really good too. We talked politics, some more politics, a little sports, life, and the past and future of my trip. But most importantly to me, we talked. Yesterday was a low day. I don’t want to turn this into a maudlin, saccharine-based whine depository. But in a foreign state, after driving for 8 lonesome hours, I was anxious and exhausted and just needed to talk to someone. I told Amanda that I was going to get to Oregon, spend a few days with my aunt and uncle, and then take the quickest way back to DC. After tonight, I’m not so certain that I’m going to do that. I still have more to accomplish. 
All of this praise for the night portion of my day shouldn’t overshadow the day portion. Today’s drive was the best of the trip. Lots of mountains and rivers and some snow. And sunshine. It never warmed up past 55 degrees, but the crispness was welcomed. 
Tomorrow is up in the air. My original intention was to make the long (11 hour) drive from Salt Lake City to Bend, Oregon, but I don’t know that my body or mind wants to or needs to do that. I might make a stopover somewhere along the way to actually relax on my own, something I really haven’t allowed myself to do. Each night when I’ve checked-in to my hotel, I’ve dropped off my luggage, mapped out my route to dinner, gone to dinner, gotten back, blogged, showered, and went to bed. I haven’t really unwound. So, long story short, I may be coming to a roadside hotel near you Twin Falls, Idaho or somewhere else. 
Notes:
-You can now add Alaska, Alberta, British Columbia, Georgia, and Saskatchewan to the license plate list. And yes, we’re counting Canada because Canada is great. Kansas on the other hand….c’mon Kansas. You’re the only continental state west of Missouri that I haven’t seen. I’m embarrassed for the Sunflower State.
-Bison benedict at Main Street Overeasy in Bozeman this morning. Wow.
-Doughnuts from Granny’s Donuts in Bozeman this morning. Wow.
-I liked Bozeman much more in the daylight than I did at night. Because at night, I hated it. 
-I saw my second Fiat of the trip in Montana. I waved to the lady driver but she didn’t wave back because she’s from Montana and people from Montana don’t mesh well with me.
-In my video blog, I mentioned listening to Dylan (I meant Bob. I was not listening to The Wallflowers) and the Grateful Dead as I drove through Montana/Idaho this morning and it being really appropriate. The Dead thing is at the behest of a friend who thinks that I, like many people, have misjudged The Dead’s music. He’s probably right. There are a lot of folky elements and really nice vocal harmonies that are a pleasure to listen to. There are also 30 minute long songs that are just an absolute bore. 
-As for Dylan, I just wanted to state that “Blood on the Tracks” is his best album. I could literally listen to it on repeat for hours and still find a new lyric that I fall in love with. 
-Still lots of construction. Still haven’t started my orange cone business.
-There’s a mini-chain of cajun restaurants in Eastern Idaho called Gator Jacks. I did not pursue, on account of I enjoy being alive.
-The nicest people I met today were a road-tripping couple, probably in their late 60s, from Philadelphia. We met at the Continental Divide sign and chatted about our trips. They were engaging and socially adept. It was refreshing. 
-I have now driven in 46 of the 50 U.S. states. All that remains are Oregon, Washington, Hawaii, and Alaska. Oregon, barring my death, will get checked off in the next 36 hours. Washington, well, I can’t find a way to check that off the list as I’m intending to spend a few days in LA. That said, at the end of this trip, I’m going to create a power ranking of all 47 or 48 states that I’ve driven in based on how good they are. This will be an inarguable list. Your opinions will not be taken into account. 
Have a lovely long weekend. Be safe. And thanks, as always, for reading and disregarding my typos. 

Dispatches From America: Day 4

/ Jason / 1 Comment

Today was the worst day of my drive. I found myself incredibly restless, tired, lonesome, and out of place.

The drive from Bismarck to Bozeman is mostly high grassland, which is nice for a little while, but sort of feels like someone is pulling a Hollywood set, for a boring movie, alongside the car. The weather today didn’t necessarily cooperate with my body’s interest in oxygen consumption, either. It was in the mid-50s for most of my drive and if you know me well, you know that warm weather suits me better than anything under 60 degrees. 70 degrees, really. And really, when the speed limit is 75 mph, it’s hard to drive with the windows down and hear your podcast/NPR/music.

Some of you may have seen my video blog from beneath Salem Sue, the world’s largest fiberglass cow. Salem Sue was not a victim of the federal government shutdown as it has yet to achieve National Park status (get on that, Hoeven and Heitkamp). Setting aside the stigma of roadside tourist traps, it was the highlight of my drive, save for the 50 miles or so that I talked to Amanda tonight. The air was cool. The view was lovely. It was all very relaxing.

Where I think I’m going wrong here, besides the fact that I’m traveling across the entire country alone, is that I’m driving too much every day. If I were breaking this down into two 3-hour driving sessions with an hour break in between, I’d be much better off. But I’d also be back somewhere in Minnesota right now, and spending more money on hotels, food, and gas. So you take the good with the bad, I guess.

Notes:

-You can add New Mexico, Washington, Wyoming, and Guam (yes, Guam. In Miles City, Montana) to the list. Kansas really needs to get with the program.

-I tweeted about this (@midatlanticbias) in the morning but at the complimentary breakfast, I saw a man  fill a plate with breakfast potatoes and then proceed to cover those potatoes in: cheese, four packets of butter (“my butter fix,” he said to an old man), mayonnaise, an egg, and an incomprehensible amount of salt. If the Midwest had a flag, I’d want that man’s plate on it.

-I saw my first snow between Bismarck and Dickinson, ND. A lot more snow on the mountain tops here in Montana.

-There’s a place called “New England, North Dakota.” It’s like a combination of all of my hells.

-Another thing I tweeted: the cowboy hat thing. Maybe it’s just my big city, East Coast way of thinking, but every time I see a man in a cowboy hat, I assume he’s just some ironic hipster from Greenpoint. It just doesn’t seem real to me. I know that it is.

-Pete seemed to be a big hit yesterday and I thought a lot today about his “polite but unfriendly” line and it really rings true. I find myself getting a lot of looks at gas stations and rest stops (license plate and funny looking car probably do it) but no inquiries. I’d really appreciate an inquiry rather than a “look.” I like to feel like I belong, wherever I am, and I do not feel like I belong in the middle of these United States.

-I always assumed that Eastern Montana was going to be beautiful like the rest of Montana. Come to find out, most of that part of the state is just an extension of North Dakota and that makes for some really boring driving….

-…and then, all of a sudden (not really, but go with me here) I turn and I see MON-TANA. Wide open space. Snow-covered mountains. Horses. Cattle. Water. And a highway sign that says, simply, “Crazy Mountains.” Indeed

-Finally, I am sure that there are typos and words that unintentionally spit out to my fingers that I’m not proofreading here, so thanks for bearing with that. I’m doing the drive, then writing about the drive. Proofreading the drive, well, I just don’t have the energy.

-Tomorrow will take me south for the first time in this trip, to Salt Lake City, where I will, for the first time since Tuesday morning, see familiar faces, in the form of Brian and Ali Spittler. They’re going to get the Raw and Uncensored Story of Pete from Bismarck. Be jealous.

Dispatches From America: Day 3

/ Jason / Leave a comment

Pete sees me as I walk into the Pirogue Grille before the bartender/maitre de does. His eyes light up. Pete is looking for someone to talk to. Luckily for Pete, so am I.

Unluckily for me, Pete is drunk. There are two glasses in front of him, both half-consumed. One I make out to be an old-fashioned. The other might just be straight whiskey. There are two seats at the bar. One is in the far corner, the other is next to Pete. I choose Pete over solidarity. I’ve had enough solidarity over the last three days. I sit.

Pete can tell right away that I’m not from here, despite my flannel shirt. Maybe it’s the skinny jeans. Maybe it’s the haircut. Who knows what it is. He asks me where I’m from. I tell him I’m from Washington, DC. I explain the road trip thing. He immediately wants to buy me an old-fashioned, but I’m driving. He seems upset so I let him buy me a Deschutes Black Butte Porter.

Pete talks. And talks. And talks. He tells me that I chose the wrong restaurant. This one is to bourgeois. I chose the restaurant, I explain, because it was a recommendation from a former colleague and because it is TripAdvisor’s number one restaurant in Bismarck. And, let’s be real, I like bourgeois things.

Pete has a lot of theories about North Dakota. He grew up in Grand Forks. He loves Grand Forks. He lives in Bismarck now because that’s where the good-paying white collar jobs are. He thinks North Dakota should be split into Western North Dakota and Eastern North Dakota. Like, actually split into two separate states. “Bismarck makes Fargo and Grand Forks look like Greenwich Village” he repeats to me multiple times.

The bartenders are annoyed by Pete. One of them wants him to leave, but I keep him out of trouble (i.e. I slow down his drinking) by asking him questions. I ask him what it was like in Grand Forks during the flood of 1997. The images of that flood, for whatever reason, are still etched in my brain. I truly thought, as a 13 year old, that an American city was destroyed by that flood. Years later, I found out that Grand Forks was doing just fine. Pete confirmed it. I ask him about the economic state of the North Dakota (lowest unemployment rate in the U.S., y’all) and whether it’s just as good as the national media would have you think (Pete: “Hell yeah it is. We are (expletive) riiich.”)

He talked about the metal scene in Grand Forks. He recommended a few bands that I would never listen to and can’t remember the name of already.

Pete wants me to go out to a bar with him, and quite frankly, that’s probably exactly what I need (to go out and talk with people and try to relax), but I don’t like being around drunk people, and Pete is very drunk (so drunk that he was concerned about my ability to drive back to my hotel after drinking one beer and eating a large meal of bison, rice, and vegetables). So I tell him I’m beat from driving (which is true) and he accepts.

I didn’t intend to write about Pete earlier today, but I was struck when I was driving back to my hotel room, by the thought that until Friday, that will probably be the most interaction I have with anyone. And beyond that, Pete will forever in my life be the official representative for the state of North Dakota. And he described North Dakota to me in a way that makes me not like it very much at all. He described North Dakota, the place he grew up and a place that he clearly loves, as a drunk, weird, slightly Canadian, polite, unfriendly, xenophobic, socialist…um, mecca???

Pete held in his hands the ability to shape North Dakota for me. And he did. But he shaped it into a place I don’t really understand and don’t much care to.

As I left, Pete asked me if I was going to write about my trip. I told him that I was writing about it for my personal blog. He looked at me suspiciously and asked if I wrote for Vice or Vanity Fair. I assured him I did not. He then asked that I mention him, use his name, and say that he is a “Badass Motherf****r.”

—

Tomorrow, I’m heading to Bozeman, Montana, which is a bit of an audible (Casper, Wyoming was my original intended destination). I’ve never driven in Montana and have long considered it to be the number one state in America that I hadn’t seen that I wanted to see. Granted, Montana from I-94 is probably not Glacier National Park, but I’m looking forward to seeing Big Sky Country for the first time.

Notes:

-Add these states to the list:
Nevada
Vermont

-Radio in rural America is basically: Christian Talk, Christian Music, Christian Talk, Country, Christian Talk, that one Verve Pipe song

-I’ve listened to very little music and only a few podcasts so far. I’ve relied on either the radio or on the sounds of the road. And it’s a good thing because…

-Somewhere in western Minnesota, I discovered a radio program called “The Swap Shop.” The concept is simple and amazing. There’s a host (if you’re a sports fan/southerner, think Paul Finebaum) who takes calls from people who want to sell things. Here’s a sampling:

Host: Caller?

Caller: Hi. Thanks for taking my call. I have three kittens. They’re orange with white stripes. Two males, one female. They’re all de-clawed. Very nice kittens. $25 for one or $50 for all three. I also have a set of wooden shower curtain rings that I’d like to sell for $5. 555-6525. Thanks.

Host. Thank you caller. Caller?

I listened for 5 minutes. People were trying to sell: dogs, cats, stoves, cars, car parts, agricultural equipment, and televisions.

-I took a rural highway from Minneapolis west into South Dakota, before taking a U.S. highway up to I-94 in North Dakota. One of the real advantages of this strategy is you get to see actual towns and people. One of the real downsides is that nearly every tractor trailer that drove by shot up little rocks into the side of my face. At one point, I actually had to check for blood.

-I reached my 24 hour mark (total time driving the car) at the junction of I-29 and US12 in South Dakota.

-Finally, I leave you with this bit of wisdom from the sign in front of a Presbyterian Church in North Dakota: “Big Bang Theory? Give me a break.” –GOD

Dispatches From America: Day 2

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When dining alone, always sit at the bar. If the bar is full, wait for someone to go to the lavatory and steal their seat (And food. And date.) DO NOT under any circumstance, sit alone at a restaurant at which you are not a regular, during dinner, especially if it’s packed to the gills.

Of course, I speak emphatically about this subject as I put myself through the great horror of DINING ALONE tonight in Minneapolis.

I ate at Pizzeria Lola, one of Food and Wine or Bon Apeitit’s best pizza restaurants in America. The pizza was terrific (I got “The Boise,” natch. Potato, caramelized onions, fontina and (added) smoked bacon.). Eating alone isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world. There are times when it’s a fun experience. Namely, when you’re sitting at the bar and can talk to strangers. It’s much harder to talk to strangers when they’re on a date at the table next to you. People don’t really like that interaction very much.

Today’s drive took me from South Bend to Minneapolis, with a stop in Chicago for breakfast and a stop in Madison for a mid-day walk. 

I’ve never actually “been” to Chicago. I’ve been to Chicago. I went to a White Sox game. I saw Wrigley Field from the outside. I drove on Lake Shore Drive. But that’s it. One day on my first cross-country trip when I wasn’t a very smart traveler. Today was my second experience in Chicago.

Very often, I find myself bothered by Chicagoans love of Chicago. I come from a school of thought that says you should resent the place that you’re from. There are obvious and non-obvious exceptions (basically, it’s a case-by-case basis) but in general, I am comfortable with those who don’t like the place they grew up in. I mean, we all leave for a very good reason, right? 

Chicagoans are loyal to their city like no other American citizens. New Yorkers will defend New York with a sense of irony. Californians will “subtly” mention to you that “IN CALIFORNIA, WE….” Bostonians have no right defending their city. Etc.

Chicagoans embrace their city. They truly LOVE their city (I’m really into using the CAPS lock button right now). And so, long story short, I pretend to hate Chicago because I love being a contrarian. But I’ll say this: the little bits of Chicago I’ve seen are pretty great and I’m sure I would really love it if I, you know, spent more than a few hours there. 

—

When you’ve spent two weeks eating nothing but steamed beets, you’re probably really going to enjoy that first ribeye. And when you’ve spent hours upon hours of time in your car, when you’re presented with a really lovely city, you find yourself skipping through the streets with glee. 

Now, I care very much about how I’m perceived, so I didn’t skip, but my heavens is (Downtown) Madison, Wisconsin a lovely place. I sent Amanda a text while I was taking a 45 minute driving break and told her we need to get a weather transformation machine so that we can move to Madison immediately. 

I haven’t seen any of Minneapolis really. I got here at 7 p.m. just as the sun had set and I was frankly too tired to drive downtown and go for a nighttime stroll. Maybe in the morning. Tomorrow’s drive will, god willing, take me to Bismarck, North Dakota, aka The City Where Dreams Are Made.

Notes: 

-To yesterday’s list of states, you can add:

Arizona
Diplomatic Plate
Minnesota
Montana
North Carolina
North Dakota
Oklahoma
Ontario

-I saw my first Fiat, not in Chicago, but in Madison. It remains the only other Fiat I’ve seen. I doubt I’ll see another one until I get to Oregon. 

-Roughly 94% of the road between DC and Minneapolis is currently under construction. I need to look into starting my own business that sells orange construction cones.

-The notion that I would “disconnect” from DC and politics and all of that has already been put to bed. I listened to the President’s press conference today and listened to about 5 different NPR affiliates all of whom had stories about the local impact of the government shutdown. Seriously, Speaker Boehner badly needs a “Come to Jesus” moment. “Jesus” in this case being the House Democratic Caucus. 

-The radio edit of Trinidad James’ “All Gold Everything” left me wondering if musicians, primarily rappers, record two different versions of their lyrics or if they just go into the studio and say the words “Phoney” “Sucker” “Shhhh” “Women” and “Stuff.” Any insight would be greatly appreciated. 

Dispatches From America: Day 1

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I never read “On The Road,” but I could venture a guess that Kerouac’s road tripping didn’t involve him making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at a rest stop outside of Cleveland.

A few years ago, when Amanda and I drove DC to San Diego, I chronicled the trip and, looking back at it now, I find it trite. There was some part of me that actually thought I was going to “get something” out of a six-day cross country road trip with my life partner.

That’s too easy. If I’m going to get something from a road trip, it better be this one. Day one, however, was not the day where I got much of anything.

Today’s drive wasn’t difficult, per se. Two hours of heavy rain certainly wasn’t fun and never being able to drive with the windows all the way down was a pain, but as far as driving, it was easy. And boring. REALLY BORING.

The only highlight really was my version of the license plate game. I opened my notebook in the passenger seat next to me and kept track of every state’s license plate that I saw (tractor trailers are excluded. As are rest stops. I have to see the car driving on the highway. I’m serious. I debated these rules with myself.). Here is that list:

Alabama
Colorado
District of Columbia
Florida
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Nebraska
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New York
Ohio
Oregon (in Rockville, MD)
Pennsylvania
Tennessee
Texas
Virginia
West Virginia
Wisconsin

Other notes:

-I have seen 0 other Fiats since I left Washington, DC. My guess is I’ll see one in Chicago tomorrow.
-Never eat chili the night before you go on a long road trip.
-When in Rome (or South Bend, Indiana) eat at Fiddler’s Heart Public House. Tell them Jason sent you. They’ll have no idea who you’re talking about.
-When in Rome (or South Bend, Indiana) don’t necessarily stay at the Waterford Estates Lodge.
-The entrances to Notre Dame Stadium are named after famous coaches at the University. Not pictured: Tyrone Willingham, George O’Leary, or Charlie Weis.

I’ll try to make this more interesting tomorrow by picking up a hitchhiker in Wisconsin, though it’ll probably just be the guy from Bon Iver.

National Championship Game Prediction (September Version)

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Alabama (-8) at Texas A&M
3:30 p.m. EDT
Your local CBS affiliate


If you came here for my bold prediction for the UMass/Kansas State game, I offer my sincerest of apologies.

There’s only one game today. Sure, most of the other 123 FBS teams will be playing games, and there are a few okay ones (UCLA @ Nebraska, at 11 a.m. in Lincoln, for some reason, is a good one), but Alabama at Texas A&M is the pre-national championship game. And for some, it probably is the national championship.

One of those people for whom this is a title game, is Nick Saban. Nick Saban is not a fan of losing. But it’s the way Alabama lost last year that has, I’m sure, weighed on Saban. At home. Dominated in the first half. Unable to contend with A&M’s tempo. Outplayed by a loudmouth, 6’0” freshman quarterback who drives a Mercedes (keyless entry, I hear). Saban has spent the last 10 months waiting for this game. You can’t overstate the revenge factor.

College Station, however, is not an easy place to play. The line on this game (-8) is ridiculous. Texas A&M will cover. The only people taking Alabama (-8) are those who call in regularly to the Paul Finebaum show. “

“Roger from Hoover is on the line. Roger?”

“Ya, Paul, I met you back in 1993 at the Alabama/Tennessee game in Birmingham. You remember that game? 17-17 tie. Ya I was wearing my houndstooth jacket that day. You remember that? Love that jacket. Good jacket. Yeah I just wanted to say, I’m not worried about the offensive line. They were playing opossum in that first game. I’m not worried. AJ’s gonna throw it all over the Aggies. He’s a real quarterback. Do they even play football in Texas? I don’t think they play in Texas. And that little punk quarterback they got, well, you know I got one thing to say that’s Roll Tide!”

I expect an Alabama victory this afternoon in College Station. I’d imagine that the Tide spent a good deal of time working on their tackling in the offseason and in the bye week. I expect a really solid game from Bama linebacker CJ Mosley. Manziel’s flame will not burn out in this game, by any means. He’s a really good college quarterback. But Alabama has a really good quarterback of their own. This won’t be a defensive struggle. Both teams will score. It’ll come down to which defense can make a play late. I think that’s Alabama.

Alabama 35
Texas A&M 31

Now, if I could figure out who to root for…..

Your Reminder That McLeod Bethel-Thompson Is A Person: The 2013 NFL Preview

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Last year, I thought the Bears were going to win the Super Bowl. The year before, I thought Mark Sanchez was going to take a big step forward and lead the Jets to the promised land.


Standing here now (I’m actually sitting at my dining room table), that sounds absolutely preposterous. Downright stupid.


The 2012 Chicago Bears did not make the playoffs. They finished 10-6, but lost in a tiebreaker to the Minnesota Vikings, who nearly had to turn to McLeod Bethel-Thompson in their lone playoff game.


The 2011 New York Jets finished 8-8, missed the playoffs, and didn’t see Mark Sanchez become the second coming of Matt Schaub.


It’s no great revelation that I am less than adept at making sports predictions. I’m darn good at watching sports and having opinions about sports and knowing facts about sports (as well as run-on sentences), but I’m not good when it comes to using facts to make hypotheses that turn out to be correct.


So, that being said, how about you waste your time reading my predictions about NFL teams!!!


I’ll do this a little differently, writing a blurb about each team and then listing standings and my Super Bowl pick (Oakland over Tampa Bay, probably) below those blurbs.


AFC EAST:


Buffalo Bills: I’m not saying that I think EJ Manuel will be a major flop in the NFL, but that’s actually the exact thing I’m saying.


Miami Dolphins: One of my surprise teams. If they can get a running game out of Lamar Miller and Daniel Thomas, I think they’ll have a potent enough offense to be really competitive. And the defense isn’t bad. Their ceiling is that of a playoff team. And I don’t think their floor is very low.


New England Patriots: I run the risk of going too hard against the conventional wisdom here, but the defensive secondary is as porous as ever. The offense will be fine with the cast of fringe FBS rookies surrounding Tom Brady, but this is not a Super Bowl contender.


New York Jets: The Jets also are not a Super Bowl contender.


AFC NORTH:


Baltimore Ravens: They got younger, which is something they really needed to do. On the defensive side of the ball, they also got better. On the offensive side of the ball, they’re not. Significantly not.


Cincinnati Bengals: Maybe it’s the high from Hard Knocks, but this is one of the two best teams in the AFC. There aren’t a lot of real holes. If someone (likely Mohamed Sanu) can be a viable second receiving option, this team can go very far.


Cleveland Browns: I love their defense. There aren’t a lot of names you’d recognize (much like the 49ers defense four years ago) but they’re well-rounded. The offense is a bit of a different story. When comparing the two units, think “Of Mice and Men” and “Something David Baldacci wrote.”


Pittsburgh Steelers: Here’s the radar. See under there? That’s the Pittsburgh Steelers. And I have no idea why.


AFC SOUTH:


Houston Texans: If the Texans were a character from “Arrested Development” they’d be Ann Veal. Boring coach. Boring quarterback. Boring (and aging) star receiver. Boring pass rushing extraordinaire. Boring. Also, pretty good.


Indianapolis Colts: If any 2012 team is due for a big regression, it’s this one. They overachieved wildly last year. The defense is not very deep and they probably can’t run the ball. Not a good mix for sustained success.


Jacksonville Jaguars: Call me crazy, but I think they can win 5 games this year. And yes, those are high expectations.


Tennessee Titans: I’m not positive that I can name a single player on their defense without looking it up. [Looks it up] Moving on….


AFC WEST:


Denver Broncos: Losing Von Miller for six games and Elvis Dumervil forever is not a good thing. This team resembles the Peyton Manning Colts. Great passing game. No rushing game. Below average defense.


Kansas City Chiefs: They’re going to win this division after having the first pick in the 2012 draft. I love their offense with Alex Smith at the helm. And the defense is much, much better than you think, especially with 4 games against the following two teams.


Oakland Raiders: Week 14. Raiders at Jets. Be there. Or be significantly happier with your life decisions. Unless you’re Jadeveon Clowney.


San Diego Chargers: Just not a good team.


NFC EAST:


Dallas Cowboys: I am the world’s biggest Tony Romo fan. I love their offense. And I like their defense enough.


New York Giants: A perfectly fine football team.


Philadelphia Eagles: The most interesting team in football. I think the Chip Kelly offense will be really fun to watch AND successful. Everyone is going to run the ball: Vick, McCoy, Bryce Brown, De’Sean Jackson, Brent Celek…okay probably not Brent Celek. They’ll score points and tire a lot of defenses. Now, their defense is another story. There are a lot of players whose names you’d recognize but this unit has never gelled and showed no signs of gelling in the preseason. They will be a disaster.


Washington Redskins: An enigma. I don’t know what to expect. I think their defense overachieved a bit last year. I think the expectations are too high for Robert Griffin. And is Alfred Morris going to be the NFL’s #2 rusher again? I just don’t know.


NFC NORTH:


Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler remains their quarterback. And there’s no one as consistently inconsistent as Jay Cutler. Unlike the Redskins, I feel like I know exactly what to expect from the Bears. They’ll finish 9-7 and just miss the playoffs. The defense will be really good. The offense will throw away a game or two.


Detroit Lions: Love the offense. Hate the defensive secondary. Like, absolutely hate. It’s so awful. Lions games will be fun to watch. So that’s something. Also, Reggie Bush, if healthy for all 16 games in this offense, could be an MVP candidate.


Green Bay Packers: Really good. Still.


Minnesota Vikings: The NFC’s version of the Colts just with a significantly worse quarterback and a significantly better running game. What I’m getting at? Regression.


NFC SOUTH:


Atlanta Falcons: Offensive line concerns and general defensive concerns or potentially electric offense? Pick your poison. The Falcons could go 14-2 or 7-9. And not enough people are falling on the side of 7-9. Yes, this is the era of offense and they play in a division with the Panthers and Saints, but the Falcons are fatally flawed.


Carolina Panthers: Will Cam Newton take the next step? Um, no. He won’t. He’ll always be Cam Newton. There aren’t a lot of weapons around him and the defense isn’t very good. So, you know…


New Orleans Saints: Did all of these teams get together a few years ago and decide to build teams built entirely on offense with incredibly flawed defenses?


Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Hey, something different! A team with an okay defense and an okay offense. Yeah!!!! I can’t get excited about Josh Freeman. He has some real tools around him with Mike Williams, Vincent Jackson, and Doug Martin. The offensive line isn’t great. The defense isn’t necessarily something to write home about. Adding Darrelle Revis is window dressing. He’s not the same player.


NFC WEST:


Arizona Cardinals: A very, very interesting team with Carson Palmer at the helm. The defense is good. The offense is going to be much better. If they can get anything out of noted Osama Bin Laden-enthusiast Rashard Mendenhall, they can sneak into the playoffs. Because the defense is, again, good (and deep).


San Francisco 49ers: I’m a little concerned about their receiver depth. I am not concerned about their defensive depth. Colin Kaepernick could be ordinary and they’d still be a playoff team. Colin Kaepernick is not ordinary.


Seattle Seahawks: How good are the two (probably 3) 49ers/Seahawks games going to be? They’re the two best teams in football and both in the same division. Seattle has similar concerns to the 49ers. Receiving depth, good, but not elite running back, excellent, physical, brash defense. I give the slight edge to the Seahawks because I prefer their offense just a hair more. Especially if Percy Harvin returns in the middle of the season as something resembling Percy Harvin.


St. Louis Rams: Unfortunately for the improving Rams, they play in the best division in football.



STANDINGS (the star means that team will be a “Wild Card” team):


AFC East
1. Miami Dolphins
2. New England Patriots
3. Buffalo Bills
4. New York Jets


AFC North
1. Cincinnati Bengals
2. Pittsburgh Steelers *
3. Baltimore Ravens
4. Cleveland Browns


AFC South
1. Houston Texans
2. Tennessee Titans
3. Indianapolis Colts
4. Jacksonville Jaguars


AFC West
1. Kansas City Chiefs
2. Denver Broncos *
3. San Diego Chargers
4. Oakland Raiders


Wild Card Round:
Pittsburgh over Houston
Denver over Miami


Divisional Round:
Cincinnati over Pittsburgh
Denver over Kansas City


AFC Championship:
Cincinnati over Denver



NFC East
1. Dallas Cowboys
2. New York Giants*
3. Washington Redskins
4. Philadelphia Eagles


NFC North
1. Green Bay Packers
2. Chicago Bears
3. Detroit Lions
4. Minnesota Vikings


NFC South
1. Atlanta Falcons
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
3. New Orleans Saints
4. Carolina Panthers


NFC West
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. San Francisco 49ers*
3. Arizona Cardinals
4. St. Louis Rams


Wild Card Round:
Dallas over New York
San Francisco over Atlanta


Divisional Round:
Seattle over San Francisco
Green Bay over Dallas


NFC Championship:
Seattle over Green Bay


SUPER BOWL 48
Seattle over Cincinnati



AWARDS!


NFL MVP: Russell Wilson
NFL Defensive Player of the Year: Geno Atkins
NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year: Giovani Bernard
NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year: Tyrann Mathieu
NFL Coach of the Year: Andy Reid

Did I really just end this with “Andy Reid?”

When Johnny Comes Signing Hats Again…Hurrah! Hurrah!: A 2013 College Football Preview

/ Jason / Leave a comment
A strange thing happened last year on the way to Miami Gardens. For the first time in my recollective mind, I stopped caring passionately about college football. I was trying to come up with a way to phrase that so it didn’t sound so dramatic, but that’s really it. I stopped caring. My entire life, I lived for Saturdays in the fall. That’s not an exaggeration. I planned my life around college football games. If you were having a party on a Saturday night and there was a relevant game on, I’m sorry that I did not attend. If I came up with an excuse, it was likely just a cover so I could listen to Brent Musburger say, “You are looking live…”


I’m not sure what it was that made me less interested. It’s probably not one thing. Really getting into the English Premier League affected it. The number of off-the-field transgressions from players has really soured me. My growing awareness of how terrible of an organization the NCAA is certainly had something to do with it. The BCS. Getting older and not being a social sports watcher was a big impediment too. In short, if there’s a big game on, I want to watch it alone. And as you get older, but not quite “old,” it’s really difficult to rationalize to your friends the sentiment of, “No, I don’t want to go out, I have to watch Clemson and Florida State in my living room, thanks.” It’s alienating.


Oh, and last year was really boring. There’s that too. Last year was so boring and there was such a dearth of good teams that Northern Illinois University played in the Orange Bowl. And got destroyed. Texas A&M was probably the best team in the country (after all, they had one shot against Alabama and they won it, in Tuscaloosa) but the best they could do was the Cotton Bowl (?…I guess…it’s not even worth looking up). Stanford was really good too and came on at the end of the season under the leadership of Kevin Hogan at QB. I don’t remember what bowl Stanford played in. It wasn’t the National Championship though.


No, that honor went to Alabama and Notre Dame. Alabama carried one loss into the game, but also carried near-losses to LSU and Georgia. Notre Dame, ironically, made the National Championship because of an undefeated season that included a referee error that took a win away from Stanford in South Bend. Notre Dame was not the second best team in the country and it showed, as they lost to Alabama by 4 touchdowns, or nearly as much as Florida Atlantic lost by in Tuscaloosa.


When I realized how flawed the 2012 season was, I kept talking about how exciting the 2013 season would be. And I’m still slightly on board with that logic. Alabama is clearly the best team in the country. But there are a number of other teams fighting to be the second best team, for the right to play Alabama in lovely Pasadena, California in January and lose by 3 touchdowns. Here are their cases, presented in no particular order:


1.) Ohio State Buckeyes


The Case For: Ohio State finished the 2012 regular season undefeated. They did not play in a bowl game however, because, tattoos. They return “quarterback” Braxton Miller (sorry, “leading rusher” Braxton Miller) as well as their top two receivers. And their schedule is very, very easy. Like, so easy that their toughest road game will come against Northwestern (sorry Michigan fans, but I can’t get behind the Wolverines).


The Case Against: Juice Williams. Okay, Juice is no longer at Illinois, but I remember driving home from a UNH/UMass football game in 2007, listening to the radio, shocked by what Illinois was doing in Columbus against the top ranked Buckeyes. Last year’s Ohio State team might have finished the season without a loss, but they had near-losses to Cal, Michigan State, Michigan, Indiana, and most notably, Purdue and Wisconsin (in overtime). The 2007 Buckeyes were a very good football team facing a matchup problem in Illinois. The 2013 Buckeyes are a beatable team with an easy schedule. Urban Meyer will have to keep his team focused every week, no matter the opponent. And I don’t feel absolute confidence in Braxton Miller’s ability to lead a team with a target on its back.


2.) Oregon


The Case For: That schedule. They don’t play a single team with a chance to play in a decent bowl until UCLA in late October.


The Case Against: The schedule includes a trip to Palo Alto, California the following week to play the Stanford Cardinal


3.) Stanford


The Case For: That schedule. They don’t play a single team with chance at a decent bowl until UCLA in mid-October.


The Case Against: The schedule includes a home game (that you may have heard about) against Oregon in early November.


The Stanford/Oregon games in the previous two seasons have been bizarre affairs. The 2011 Cardinal were 9-0 when they welcomed Oregon into Stanford Stadium and were led by Andrew Luck. They got housed.


Last year, in Eugene, Oregon entered the Stanford game 10-0 and facing the high likelihood of a BCS Championship game against Alabama. Instead, Stanford, led by a freshman quarterback, played an NFC North-esque game against the Ducks and won 17-14 in overtime.


If the trend is to continue, Oregon should win this year’s game, but I don’t think that will happen. Both teams will be undefeated coming into their matchup. Stanford did to Oregon last year what few other teams have done: slowed them down. Kevin Hogan, in his first full season as a starter, is going to be a star. I expect the Ducks to leave Palo Alto with a loss this time around.


4.) Georgia

The Case For: Veteran quarterback. Incredibly talented, young defense. Todd Gurley.


The Case Against: They play two top 10 teams in the first two games of the season: at Clemson this Saturday then hosting South Carolina the following Saturday. If Georgia survives that gauntlet, they’ll be undefeated when they play Alabama in the SEC Championship. They won’t survive that gauntlet..


5.) South Carolina


The Case For: Jadeveon Clowney. Only one difficult road game. HBC.


The Case Against: I don’t think the offense is good enough to get it done. The defense will keep the Gamecocks in every game. They won’t necessarily be a pretty team to watch if you prefer Big XII-style football. Much like with Florida (who I won’t include here because their offense is a joke and they stand no chance of making it to the promised land) there aren’t enough playmakers on offense. I do not trust Connor Shaw to win a tight game, either on the road or at home. I think the Gamecocks go down to Athens and leave bruised with a 13-10 defeat.


6.) Louisville


The Case For: Ohio, Eastern Kentucky, Kentucky, Florida International, Temple, Rutgers, Central Florida, South Florida, Connecticut, Houston, Memphis, Cincinnati.


The Case Against: Louisville strikes me as a team that will finish third in the BCS with a perfect record but a resume more flimsy than mine when I left college. Which is a shame because Teddy Bridgewater is going to contend for the Heisman and Louisville can play real football. Their defense is not an asset, but it’s good enough that they won’t have to rely entirely on the offense.


7.) Texas A&M


The Case For: Some would say Johnny Football, but I’m just a little leery that his 2013 isn’t going to be quite like his 2012.


The Case Against: Manziel lost his offensive coordinator, left tackle, and his most reliable wide receiver and has spent the entire offseason in the spotlight and he does not really give me a ton of confidence that he’ll be able to just tune all that noise out.


8.) Florida State


The Case For: They play in the ACC.


The Case Against: Road games at Clemson and at Florida. Also a freshman quarterback. And I know, we’re only supposed to praise Jameis Winston because he’s funny and a great baseball player, but he’s still a freshman quarterback and I know that Johnny Manziel was a freshman last year, but if I have to bet on a freshman quarterback succeeding in a place like Gainesville, I’m going to go the other way.


9.) Clemson


The Case For: Relatively easy conference schedule. Veteran quarterback. Dynamic playmaker. A defense chock full of 5-star recruits. A head coach named Dabo.


The Case Against: Well, they are Clemson. And it’s a challenging non-conference schedule with Georgia and South Carolina. That said, I think they use their LSU formula from the Hate Chikin Bowl last year and take it to Georgia on Saturday. Clemson’s offense is going to be one of the best in the nation and they’ll showcase that. And there’s a hunger there. This is a team that keeps improving, especially after their embarrassing loss to West Virginia in the 2012 Orange Bowl. In short, I don’t know what the “case against” is and I think Clemson finds their way to Pasadena in January.


Yes, I’m out on a bit of a limb (Clemson is currently 25:1 to win the national championship), but I’ve really liked the progress in the Clemson program and I think last year’s win over LSU will be a huge carryover. This team played a great SEC defense and beat them soundly. We’ll know how good they are on Saturday night. If they beat Georgia, Alabama is looking at their opponent in January, albeit an opponent they will defeat because they’re the best team in the country and Nick Saban does not relent.




Heisman Guys:

1. TJ Yeldon (RB/Alabama): Under the radar a bit because of AJ McCarron, but Yeldon is capable of carrying this team, regardless of the fact that McCarron is under center. He’s an electric running back. Just a pleasure to watch.


2. Tajh Boyd (QB/Clemson): He’ll protect the ball and make deep throws to Sammy Watkins. You’ll be looking at some incredible passing numbers at the end of the season.


3. Teddy Bridgewater (QB/Louisville): Probably the best QB in the country, unfortunately playing for a team from a conference that was just created. That will hurt him even if his numbers don’t.


4. Jadeveon Clowney (DE/South Carolina): He’ll get to New York, but it’s going to be very hard for him to live up to the hype, which is absurd. He’s the best player in college football at his position, hands down, but his position is still D-End.


5. Braxton Miller (QB/Ohio State): I’m just listing him here because I am required to under Braxton Miller Law, the current rule of our country, whereby one must heap unwarranted praise on a QB who is a terrible downfield passer.


Total Wild Card: Chuckie Keeton (QB/Utah State): When Utah State goes into Los Angeles on September 21st and beats USC, remember you read this.


The Other BCS Bowls:


Rose Bowl: Stanford v. Ohio State
Sugar Bowl: Georgia v. Louisville
Orange Bowl: Florida State v. Nebraska
Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma State v. Oregon


Some Random Predictions:


-Brett Hundley will throw for 4,000 yards and rush for 500 yards at UCLA, but won’t be invited to New York because he plays west of Columbus, Ohio.


-Utah State (26th best offense, 7th best defense in 2012) will go undefeated, despite games at Utah, at USC, and against Boise State. They’ll still, somehow, miss out on a BCS bowl.


-Any talk about LSU being a contender will be put to bed on Saturday night when they lose to TCU.


-Boise State loses 3 games this season (Washington, Utah State, and Fresno State)


-Ohio State’s random loss that keeps them from playing Alabama: at home to Penn State


-100 points will be scored when Baylor plays Oklahoma State on November 23.


-Oregon covers against Nicholls State on Saturday. The line is currently Oregon (-59).


-Notre Dame finishes the season 6-6. We all forget that they played for the national title last year.

-I’ll watch more college football this season than I did last season.

Fast Kicking, Low Scoring, and Ties? You Bet!

/ Jason / Leave a comment
Saturday marks the start of the Barclays Premier League season and the end of my long (okay, three months), sad period of not having English football to watch on Saturday and Sunday mornings.


Last year, the BPL (or EPL if you’d like) became a regular part of my weekend life. I root for Manchester City (my adopted team because I’m a front-runner and really, what does it matter who I choose to root for), root against Manchester United because, while I’m a front-runner, I hate the one thing that everyone loves, and find myself mostly indifferent to Chelsea, Tottenham, Arsenal, Liverpool, and Everton. And I acknowledge the existence of the other clubs. They are real things that exist on Earth.


I’ve written the “you should watch the EPL” post already. I’m not going to rehash that. I did want to try to predict the final table (the standings) and a few other things though. And, while I’m here, I should remind you that soccer (or football, again, if you’d like) is a really simple and beautiful sport and you’re kind of a dolt for not liking it just on principle because it wasn’t invented in Toledo, Ohio and teams don’t get 6 points for a goal. That’s all.


FINAL STANDINGS:


Relegated to nPower (Nope, it’s SkyBet now) Death:
20. Crystal Palace
19. Aston Villa
18. Newcastle United


Hanging on by a Thread
17. Fulham
16. Hull City
15. Stoke City


Just There
14. Southampton
13. West Bromwich Albion
12. Sunderland
11. Norwich City


Surprising Newcomer
10. Cardiff City


Exciting, If Not Also Completely Irrelevant
9. West Ham United
8. Swansea City


Liverpool and Everton
7. Everton
6. Liverpool


The Five Clubs That Matter
5. Arsenal
4. Chelsea
3. Tottenham Hotspur
2. Manchester City
1. Manchester United


Picking United to win is boring, yes, but they’re the smart pick. I would truly give Tottenham a thought if I was convinced that Gareth Bale would be playing there all season. I’m not entirely convinced though. Their addition of Roberto Soldado, I think, might be the most impactful transfer of the EPL offseason. He strengthens Spurs’ biggest weakness from last season which was their attack, outside of Bale. He gives them a real second option and will take a lot of pressure off of Bale, if he doesn’t end up in Madrid.


Arsenal came on very strong at the end of last season, but did absolutely nothing in the offseason, which is a strange tactic for a team that finished a distant fourth behind the champions United. There’s talk that they’re not done with the transfer window, but really, can you be done with something you haven’t started?


Chelsea brought back former coach Jose Mourinho to appease their obnoxious fans who just couldn’t stomach being coached by Rafa Benitez. Chelsea finds itself fourth here because of the strong possibility that centerback David Luiz will be Barcelona-bound by the time I hit publish on this post and because I have a sneaking suspicion that Mourinho will rely too much on his old Chelsea players, rather than on young stars Eden Hazard, Juan Mata, and Romelu Lukaku. He has a history of stifling young, offensive-minded players (Cristiano Ronaldo on line 1). But Chelsea fans got what they wanted, and that’s all that matters.


City sent out mercurial striker Carlos Tevez and brought in former Malaga coach Roberto Pellegrini to smooth out the offensive attack. I like the addition of Jesus Navas quite a bit and if Sergio Aguero stays healthy (which didn’t happen in 2012-13) I think they’ll form the core of perhaps the best offensive club in the EPL.


But…..


United has the best all-around squad and probably the best coach in the EPL in David Moyes. Moyes did more with less at Everton at a consistent level. At United, he’ll be allowed to do more with more. And I also think it might be good for United to step out of the shadow, so to speak, of former coach Sir Alex Ferguson. Not that history wasn’t already good to the Red Devils.

And…just for fun, the three clubs who will be promoted from SkyBet to the Premier League for the 2014-15 season: Brighton and Hove Albion (that’s amazingly one team), Leicester City, and Charlton Athletic.

All Star Representatives

/ Jason / Leave a comment

At 6:30 tonight, the MLB All-Star game rosters are announced. I’m beginning to type this at 5:53 p.m. Yet, I want to see how close I can get to guessing the roster exactly. So, without further ado:


Each team is required to have one all-star. 34 players for each League. Here are the guaranteed team representatives in my mind:

AMERICAN LEAGUE
Boston: Dustin Pedroia (2B)
Baltimore: Chris Davis (1B)
Tampa Bay: Evan Longoria (3B)
New York: Robinson Cano (2B)
Toronto Blue Jays: Edwin Encarnacion (1B)

Detroit Tigers: Miguel Cabrera (3B)
Cleveland Indians: Jason Kipnis (2B)
Kansas City Royals: Greg Holland (RP)
Minnesota Twins: Joe Mauer (Catcher)
Chicago White Sox: Chris Sale (SP)

Oakland Athletics: Grant Balfour (RP)
Texas Rangers: Joe Nathan (RP)
Los Angeles Angels: Mike Trout (OF)
Seattle Mariners: Felix Hernandez (SP)
Houston Astros: Jason Castro (Catcher)

One Note: Castro might seem like a reach but he is the best all-around performer on the worst team and he plays a position that is fairly weak past Joe Mauer.

NATIONAL LEAGUE
Atlanta Braves: Craig Kimbrel (RP)
Washington Nationals: Jordan Zimmermann (SP)
Philadelphia Phillies: Jonathan Papelbon (RP)
New York Mets: Matt Harvey (SP)
Miami Marlins: Jose Fernandez (SP)

St. Louis Cardinals: Yadier Molina (Catcher)
Pittsburgh Pirates: Jason Grilli (RP)
Cincinnati Reds: Joey Votto (1B)
Chicago Cubs: Anthony Rizzo (1B)
Milwaukee Brewers: Jean Segura

Arizona Diamondbacks: Paul Goldschmidt (1B)
Los Angeles Dodgers: Clayton Kershaw (SP)
San Francisco Giants: Buster Posey (Catcher)
Colorado Rockies: Carlos Gonzalez: (OF)
San Diego Padres: Everth Cabrera (SS)

One Note: While Travis Wood should be the Cubs’ representative, there are too many elite starting pitchers in the National League and not enough great first baseman.

I realized at 6:25 that I was never going to get this post totally completed. So lets just see how exact I am at picking each team’s representative.

And, as an aside, I expect Yasiel Puig and Bryce Harper to be in the final five voting in the National League.